The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Sorry my hands just texted you
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
