if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
