drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
