I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
you never un-have a 4some
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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