i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
