I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You need Xanax blowdarts
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
