Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
