You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
