Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
