I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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