the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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