Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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