I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
