dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize