you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
