I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
