after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
