I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
