guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
