Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
