Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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