you guys were way drunker than both of me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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