I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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