i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
