Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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