I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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