what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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