I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
