You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Enjoy the penises
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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