I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
