I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
