dude i'm inner monologue high
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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