I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
