I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
