we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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