Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am available for nakedness
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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