Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize