I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Ketchup is God's man juice
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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