and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
