I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
