During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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