Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize