Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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