Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
