I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
