This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize