so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
