Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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