she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
