So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Congratulations! We have a period
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