i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
