seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
