I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
