Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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