All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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