If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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