Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she told me i tasted like america
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
